Fueled by the Truth

I’m bothered.

I feel a weight. 

It’s on my shoulders.

It’s on my chest, forcing me to breathe harder.

What is it? What is weighing me down? How is it robbing me of peace and making my sleep less restful? Is it that people who do not know Jesus are going to spend eternity in hell?

Is it dissatisfaction with my current predicament?

There are many things that are irritating me that make me discontent.

I want to lose weight.

I want to finish my masters degree.

I want to grow students and student ministry at BOSS Church.

I want to see people come to Christ, and grow in Him.

I want to be in a position to empower people to do more.

I want to be the kind of man, father, husband, pastor, leader that people want to follow.

What bothers me, besides that list, is that the list is made COMPLETELY of “I want to..”

I need this list to become “I am.”

I am losing weight

I am finishing my masters degree.

I am growing students and student ministry at BOSS. (and please don’t over spiritualize that last one. I know God grows them. You should know what I mean here.)

I am seeing people come to Christ and grow in Him.

I am in a position to empower people to do more.

I am the kind of man, father, husband, pastor, leader that people want to follow.

God, this is my prayer. Give me a passion for you that is insatiable, and turn my list, from “I want to…” to “I am…”

I love golf.

I play as often as possible. I’m ok, but not particularly good. I have one friend that is very good. Single digit handicap, hits the ball a mile and all that. We enjoy playing golf together immensely. But it’s not competition between each other that we enjoy. I can’t really compete with him. But I CAN caddy for him. And that, I am GREAT at.

About 3 weeks ago, I had the opportunity to carry his bag for a tournament. I loved charting the course and picking out lines for each shot; reading the greens and finding the right spots on the greens to attack. 

We played a practice round a couple days before the tourney. My friend shot a +2 over par 74. In the day of the tournament, something happened. After a couple of “ho hum” holes, where he did not do anything BAD, nor anything particularly good, he lost his sight. Not literally, but figuratively. He began to see his last shot, rather than the one he was going to hit. Looking backward forced him to try not to do what he had done, rather than just doing what he planned on doing. The result? 91. +19 over par.

I have found myself, much like my friend, discontent with where my church is. Not just my church, but THE church. I have found myself wanting to create something different. But that is the problem. I am seeing what I don’t want to do, rather than what I must do. 

Vision cannot be cast while looking backward. 

Vision that is effective, vision that is lasting; such vision comes from being fixated on what should be and what will be, rather than what was.

I am learning that I need to see the changes I want to make, the vision God is giving me to create by looking forward. Vision cannot have a driving motivation of “I don’t want to do it that way…” 

Rather, it should be said this way…

“I think it should be like this…”

God spoke this way. In Genesis, God says “Let there be…”and “Let the…” more than ten times and created from that place. Essentially he said, “let’s make something!”

In Genesis 1:26, He says, “Let us make mankind in our image…” 

All of His vision is specific, and forward. Nothing looks back. Even when He fixes us. 

I don’t want to create from looking backward. I want to create something new. I want to look forward and never backward. What am I going to create? What is my vision? I’ll share some about that soon. 

Stay tuned.

So I’m taking a moment to share why I am not on twitter or Facebook this month. I am also doing a fast for at least ten days, maybe longer.

Here’s the deal. I am frustrated with me. I don’t like who I am. Now I know I am not a bad person. However I have become more selfish than I want to be. I think of myself more often than I should. I am distracted as a result and my life/ministry lack focus. 

I am cutting those distractions in order to tune my ear, heart and soul to God. I feel like God is trying to teach me something and I am letting myself be so distracted that I am almost not even bothering to listen… 

So here I go.

I am listening. I am asking. I am seeking Him. I’ll post once I have heard. If there is anything on facebook from me, I was either hacked or it is from here…

See you Feb 1.

christiannightmares:

Pat Robertson excuses David Patraeus: ‘The man’s off in a foreign land and he’s lonely and here’s a good-looking lady throwing herself at him. He’s a man.’ (Found at Right Wing Watch; For a related video, click here http://christiannightmares.tumblr.com/post/35343105576/pat-robertson-baffled-by-fifty-shades-of-grey)

Wow… Unbelievable…

I have been serving Jesus in student ministries for around 16 years now. Some of those years were as a volunteer, others as an intern, but 10+ of them have been full time as a student ministries pastor/college pastor. In that time, I have found that in the church, no other ministry has as much focus put on numbers as the youth ministry. Jr. High, High School, College/Young Adult ministry is viewed (rightly or wrongly) in light of their respective numbers. 

This is not necessarily all bad. I think that numbers can be an indicator of health and movement. But if you are an aspiring or young youth pastor, this can be a little scary. A lot of the time, young/newbie youth pastors think there is a secret sauce to making things grow. “If I had that budget…” “If I had that facility…”, “If I had those leaders…”, “If I had those resources…” But the truth is, that stuff doesn’t really matter too much. Sure, it helps. But a ministry doesn’t necessarily grow when its fun. However, a ministry always grows when students and leaders are unified in a plan and process for life change.

So, if your are just starting out, or are in a place where you are struggling to bring growth in your ministry, here are some practical steps…

1. Pray. 

I know I said practical, and like me and many other youth guys just starting out, you wanted a step by step “this will grow your ministry” solution. I have done ministry without prayer, and I have done ministry while praying intently. EVERY time I have given what I am doing to God first, and listened for His voice and guidance, change happened in the lives of students. Start everything with prayer. 

2. Have a clear plan.

There are tons of books about how to build a youth ministry and programs. From Purpose Driven YM to Simple Student Ministry, the plan is the point of those books. Not that you need to have 5 purposes or 3 simple things…whatever to that stuff. What matters is that you have a clear plan for how you will do what God has given you to do. Our church calls that process “Reach, Teach, and Release”. In the land of “right-click/synonym” it could be “Reach, Grow, Serve”. It could be “Worship, Evangelism, Ministry, Discipleship, Fellowship”. “Know, Grow, Go”. Know, Love, Serve”… You get the picture. Have a plan. Define how it should work and move students through it and you’re on your way.

3. Trust the process and wait. 

Fruit takes time. It takes an orange tree two to three years to actually begin to bear fruit. A grape vine grows for two seasons before it bears fruit. Ministry is the same. You have to stay in the ground, prune, and cultivate the plant and soil. Keep working your plan. Don’t give up. weather the storms. Don’t get distracted by other “greener” ground that has been tended for a few years and just lost a farmer. If you work your plan and process, help leaders to see it and move students through it, those students will be changed by God.

Trust me…

If you pray, have a clear plan and trust that plan, for a few years, you will see the fruit you are asking for. 

So, normally i blog about ministry, God, and my growth as a follower of Christ, but today I need to change the pace.

If you know me, you know full well that I am a golf nut. In fact, my love of Golf is almost surpassing my love of the NFL and the San Francisco 49ers. (but not quite)

Recently, Greg Norman, an australian golfer and former world #1 for something like 330+ weeks (Tiger Woods is the only golfer to hold the spot longer at I think 623 weeks) said that Tiger Woods is “Intimidated” by the current number 1, Rory McIlroy. Now, it is not too absurd to speak of anyone in golf being intimidated by another player. Golf is not a physical sport, so, as Tiger said, no one’s going to come across the middle and cream you. But in golf, there are players who are intimidated by the moment, and very few players that are not. Tiger never has been.  When players have gone up against Tiger head to head with the tournament on the line, it’s not necessarily the moment that gets them (or got them in the past) it is how Tiger gets STRONGER in those moments. He is or was hard to beat.

Now, Norman on the other hand, he wasn’t hard to beat. He melted down on Sundays in Majors with the lead like a scope of ice cream during the summer in the desert. What we saw from Rory at the Masters in 2010, or Adam Scott this year at the Open Championship is NOTHING compared to what Norman did on a regular basis.

Greg Norman is responsible for the term, “Saturday Slam”. In 1986, he held the 54 hole lead in EVERY major. He lost it in all but the Open Championship. He finished 2nd or worse in every major during his career with the exception of the ‘86 and ‘93 Open championships, respectively. Almost all of those close calls, were come from ahead CHOKES. If Norman had the same trouble eating meals as he does closing golf tournaments when the pressure is on he’d be dead. Either that or he’d need a doctor to follow him around waiting to perform the Heimlich maneuver. And that doctor would be overworked.

And just to make sure the point is overstated, this trend has followed him into his Champions Tour career. In 2009, at the Senior Open Championship, again he held the 54 hole lead. and again, he melted down, shot 71 and finished T-6. He almost never rises to the occasion. His career reads like a Greek tragedy. One thing is for sure. He was a great golfer 3 rounds out of 4. 

In terms of credibility, Norman has alot when speaking of intimidation. He knows what it is. He felt it. He knows that while others rise up, it tightens those with lesser constitutions. He speaks of intimidation of McIlroy, because of his success. Here is what he says…

“What I’m seeing is that Tiger’s really intimidated by Rory,” Norman said, according to the report. “When have you ever seen him intimidated by another player? Never.

“But I think he knows his time is up and that’s normal; these things tend to go in 15-year cycles. Jack (Nicklaus) took it from Arnold (Palmer). I took it from Jack, Tiger from me, and now it looks like Rory’s taking it from Tiger.” (via Huffington Post)

The sad thing is, what Norman says is simply transferring what he went through all the time to Tiger. Norman felt that he missed his chance every time he hit a bad shot. That’s why he couldn’t recover. That’s why he is known more for being the greatest 3 round payer in golf history, and the worst closer ever. So for the worst closer to talk about how the sports BEST closer arguably EVER is intimidated and thinks his time is ending is ridiculous. Greg Norman can’t even touch what Tiger has done. Tiger knows it. Rory knows it.

Everyone knows it.

Except Norman. 

Say what you want about Tiger Woods. He is not known as an accessible guy or even a good guy on tour. Not alot of people like him after his true self was exposed. He is hot headed, arrogant (always has been), aloof, dodgy, and selfish. I feel bad for his children, his ex-wife, and his mother. I think his father would have been incredibly disappointed in his son. But Tiger’s golf game, and his ability to stand tall in big moments….impeccable. Untouchable. Unflappable. 

I have always respected Greg Norman and thought he was one of the greats of the game. But my advice to a guy who will never read this blog or care about a 24 handicapper and his thoughts, your opinion as it pertains to the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) is comical, and makes you look a little sad. It might be best to keep it to yourself.

ok. Enough golf ranting. And in case you read this and think I am defending Tiger woods, you are mistaken. I am merely not impressed by a guy known for failing talking about a guy known for succeeding. Normans critique comes off as one of Woods, when in reality it is his own self-image.

It has been about a year to the day since I have blogged. I am not sure if any of you have been missing my posts, but I think there is a level of catharsis that has been missing from my life in the absence of it and I am sorry to have taken so long a lay off.

I feel as though I have been asleep. You know, the kind of sleep where you slept for way too long and now you are awake but still exhausted? That is precisely the feeling I have. Though my feeling is not physical, it is spiritual and emotional. It has come upon me like a wave of lethargy. I have been told it is depression, and that may be, but I feel an awakening. I was hit with a bit of fire last week that reminded me of things I have long felt important; imperative. The fire was not something external. The fire was not predicated by any conversation, or circumstance. Rather, by a knowledge that something needed to change. 

The change needs to be in me. I am in need of being changed.I need a revival. A reformation. A new season of growth.I am asking God for this. I have no idea what it will bring. But if it comes from God, I know I need it. I want it. I beg for it. 

I have a theme for my season this school year.

“At All Costs”.

I need to change. At All Costs.

People I know need to know Jesus loves them. At All Costs.

My family needs to know they’re loved by God, and I. At All Costs.

God has given me a task I need to complete. At All Costs.

I need to be a light. At All Costs.

I need Jesus.

At All Costs.

After this thought, I have one question…

How would your life change if you lived like this, at all costs?

Good to be back. 

I just woke up from an early afternoon nap. Kelly is in a full, drug induced slumber. We are both pretty tired emotionally, not to mention being up at 5am.

While you were probably sleeping…

The hospital was almost literally open just for Kelly. She was the first surgery scheduled today at Kaiser Roseville. The doctor cut Kelly open and first found and removed the sentinel node, the first lymph node the cancer would have spread to if it was going to. It was sent to pathology, while the surgeon went to work cutting out the tumor. As far as he could see, he got the tumor with completely clean edges, with one caveat. The deeper edge was VERY close to the chest wall (muscle). This means he can’t be 100% positive that it has not invaded other tissue (since this stuff is microscopic after all). This means that there will be no further surgery done to Kelly’s breast. YAY!

Early pathology on the sentinel node came back negative for cancer. This means, as long as we are dealing with breast cancer (still won’t know 100% till pathology confirms the type of cancer it is), that the cancer has not spread. They will bel doing more pathology to the node this week. 

For now, Kelly is sleeping, I am writing, and we are encouraged that we may have one a valuable victory in our early fight with this disease. We are incredibly grateful to God for answering our prayers.It’s not the undeniable miracle that I was praying for (see my previous post) but I’ll take it! It is an answer to my secondary prayer. I’m also thankful for your prayers. Thank you for sharing our request and our blogs (Kelly’s is quite popular). Please keep reposting and sharing our blogs to keep our story out there and prayers coming.

We will have a post op appointment on the 13th to discuss pathological findings and then we meet with oncology on the 14th to discuss chemo. Thanks for praying with me for my beautiful wife. She’s a fighter!

#muchprayermuchpower

I’m so STUFFED!

We went out to dinner with our friends, the Orr’s to say a small thank you. They have been incredibly generous this summer allowing us to stay with them. We had a great time. As I write this, my wife, Kelly, is having a prayer of healing and anointing with oil by some friends of ours. While we talked about it at dinner, I was reminded about my philosophy when it comes to praying for miracles. 

When I was an intern with Youth for Christ (YFC) I, along with all the other interns, went to Huntington, Indiana for a 2 week long intensive training called, Summer Institute. While there us interns had time to bond, get to know one another, and talk about God, theology, prayer, and eventually miracles. You see, I am not what you would call a “charismatic” Christian. It’s not that I don’t believe in speaking in tongues, I simply never have. It is not my gift. It’s not that I don’t think God heals people miraculously. I do. I have friends that have shared with me incredible stories of healing. I know He does. I have never seen it myself.

As we talked, my compatriots shared that if I desired for God to show me a miracle, I had but to ask and that they would pray that God would show me my first miracle. To date, that prayer has been unanswered. But I’m ok with that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t pray like crazy for miracles. And I am now.

Here is why I’m ok with not seeing a miracle.

In the book of Daniel, there is a story that I LOVE. It is the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendago. 

In their story, for those of you who don’t know it, King Nebuchadnezzar threatens to throw the three into a furnace and incinerate them if they don’t bow to his idol. Here is their response…

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

Daniel 3:16-18

These three men were willing to die to avoid sinning against God. And even then, they didn’t think that God should HAVE to show up to deserve their worship. Now I’m sure that they prayed for God to deliver them. And He did. In fact, Nebuchadnezzar even praised God after seeing a fourth man in the fire. But Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were ready to follow God into the fire.

I have been praying for a miracle. I am praying that tomorrow, when the surgeon opens Kelly up, that he finds no tumor. The cancer is gone. I am also praying that if the cancer is still there that it has not spread. I believe that God can do both of those things. I pray He chooses to.

You see, I have a couple friends and some family, that I know are angry with God, because someone they loved fought and lost to cancer. The problem for them is that they believe God owes them something. I don’t. Kelly doesn’t. We are asking God to show up in the fire tomorrow, but even if He doesn’t, we will never bow to fear, or blame God. He owes us nothing.

So tomorrow, we are going to be at Kaiser Roseville in Bldg. A from about 6:15 am. Surgery is scheduled for 8 am. I would like you to join us in our prayer that Kelly is healed miraculously, and that the cancer has not spread. I would love it if some people would actually walk around bldg. A at Kaiser Roseville and pray for her while she is in the OR. Kelly has mused that she will be the most prayed over patient to ever have surgery. I love that. 

Speaking of much prayer… I have been hash tagging my tweets with #muchprayermuchpower. I would like to invite you to do the same so that we can get even more people praying for my wife. And it is clear that many of you are! Today, my wife went to have a radio active tracer injected. While there, her surgeon called and told us he would meet us in nuclear medicine. He came to a place he had never been, to a patient that didn’t need him yet, to ask this question… “Did you post anything on Facebook?” we shared a little about her blog and mine. He then told us “I have never had so many people ask me about a patient before!” It’s working! People are praying and our surgeon knows it!

#muchprayermuchpower!

This last 36 hours have been filled with new terms and long words that mean simple things. The title is what we know of my wife’s cancer. That’s right… I said cancer. My 34 year old wife and mother of 2 small children has cancer. Before you go and say anything about my lack of spirituality, please be patient. I want you to know that this is raw. This is frightening. Everything we know so far, is not encouraging. So in this post, I am going to do a couple things. 

1. I’m going to explain what we know.

2. I’m going to share with you how to support us.

3. (Spoiler Alert) I’m going to ask you to pray.

So here’s the first part… What we know…

Kelly has a 2 centimeter mass in her right breast. There are three main types of breast cancer. They are ductal, lobular, and inflammatory. Kelly’s tumor is none of these. It is a “poorly differentiated” cancer. Basically we are not sure if it is breast cancer or not. Also, based on the location, it doesn’t seem to be where any of these types of cancer would be. But since the tumor is in the breast, we are proceeding as though it is, in fact, breast cancer. Kelly will have a lumpectomy next week. They will also take out the “sentinel node”. This is the first lymph node that the cancer would have spread to if, in fact, it has spread. They will biopsy the node and see if there is cancer while she is in surgery. If it is there, they will take out all of the lymph nodes in that area. They will then see what the tumor is. Once we know the type of cancer, we will know more about how to proceed.

There will be chemo therapy and radiation. We will be keeping everyone up to date on our blogs.

2. How to support us…

From time to time, you may want to say something to encourage us. You will want us to see God in this trial, and not be dismayed or sad. You will want us to remain positive so we can fight. So Kelly can fight. Please, use fewer words than you think you should. If you feel like you should do anything more than listen, or offer help in some way, please don’t. We know that God is good. We know that He can and will carry us through this. We trust in Him. And Him alone. We don’t really need reminding. What we need is an ear. Your help. Your prayers. And if you are a Dr., and have knowledge, or some connection to cancer Dr.’s please share. If you are not a Dr., please do not tell us this will be ok. Believe it or not, this is going to be a process. We may need to spend time with you. We may laugh and make off color cancer jokes that only we seem to find funny. We may pull back and not talk to you for a while. We aren’t mad, or ticked. We just need space. But what we need more than anything, is your prayer.

3. Pray for us…

My old pastor, who LOVES prayer, used to say, “Little prayer, little power. More prayer, more power. Much prayer, much power.” We need the “much” kind. So all of you out there need to find your “muchness” and be much more “muchier” than we are going to feel. 

We know we are loved by God and you. Thank you for the prayers that I know you are sending out. Here are some ways you can pray.

1. Healing. Pray that God will Miraculously heal her. Pray that doctors meet God because of this miracle. 

2. Our spirits. Pray that we will be a light for God in this darkness. Pray that we will have the trust and peace in Him that with bring glory to Him through this.

3. Financially. We are about to have a house payment again, and Kelly is not going to be able to do the side jobs that were going to help us make ends meet, plus we are going to be spending money on copays, meds, procedures, etc. We MAY need help. I don’t know yet and we don’t yet so wait. But we will let you know if we do.

4. Our children. They are so young and can’t possibly understand any of this. Pray for wisdom in what and when we say what we say. And patience when we are tired and they still need us. 

If you would like to follow Kelly’s blog as this journey unfolds, click here

Thanks for loving and praying for us.

Eric & Kelly